As I stare into the vast empty space, the last empty packet of cigarettes lying at the corner of my nightstand…thinking of all those regrets, all those things that were meant to happen, but didn’t happen.
Like that packet of cigarettes I almost bought. Like all my dreams, all my ambitions, all those promised seconds of infinities. Like you. which never happened.
Like that quick flashback of all the moments, all recollections, all joys, all memories….all events combined that was promised to me right before my death….
That too didn’t happen….
I guess, now it never will….


My mistakes

My life in itself is a collection of mistakes.
Some good, some bad, some life altering, some worth cherishing……
I chose pen over crayons, that is my mistake but do i regret it? No because if I did, I could never learn to paint with ball-pens…
I chose to love over and over, knowing about heartbreaks…this was my mistake for the illusion of someone’s touch is fascinating.
I love scorching summer sun and not cold romantic days, because I like the promises…..I like the certainty that the sun would come back tomorrow unlike the clouds who wouldn’t
I chose to be different, not on purpose but by choices….god! it makes situations awkward….this was my mistake….
I am sorry I couldn’t love rains, for it reminds me of someone crying up above, it reminds me of how even sometimes the god is weak and cries while we pretend to be strong…..I chose not to pretend, this was my mistake…
I chose wine over ‘whine’, maybe that gave everyone the impression of my emotional unavailability, this was my mistake……

Of all the mistakes I ever did, I fell in love with the thorns…your scars and not your beautiful petals which attracts half of the world….was this a blunder……
I chose silence over words, quiet over fights, trust over doubts…..I now consider myself a master at this game of committing mistakes…
Should I seek forgiveness for all these mistakes…is there any forgiveness….because for some mistakes even I couldn’t forgive myself…maybe this is another one of my mistakes…………

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I have always been more of a dreamer. Wondering about the delicate fibres of time and space, life on faraway galaxies, late night street lights and a train completing its journey are generally my late night companions.
There is a time in our entire day which very beautifully fits in this tiny boundary between late night and early morning, my favourite time of the day……3.30am.
3.30am, when our feelings come to the corner of our eyes as tiny tear beads, remembering a distant someone.
3.30am, when we like to sit on the balcony and enjoy the silent and peaceful view from the balcony imagining how would it be surviving in total silence.
3.30am, when we are broken, vulnerable and truthful our own favourite version, our romantic fantasies coming to fore….the time when there is no time…..
3.30am, when we run out of fucks to give…
Then there are so many infinite other feelings trapped between the heaviness of the eye and the lightness of the heart, memories and fantasies, sweet love and heartbreaks, dreams and worst fears……all of these when combined silently in the presence of moonlight and little sips of whiskey can do wonders…these are the things worth keeping you awake at night….
no wonder they say, legends never sleep…..for they try hard but they couldn’t….

5 Months…

It has been 5 months, since everything has changed and everything stands still. It has been 5 months since my last peaceful sleep, since i have stopped seeing sunshine and colours. Birds have stopped chirping and suddenly everything has become lifeless.

It has been 5 months since my scientific rationalisations have been replaced by faith. I have been spending more time praying in that small little chapel where I usually spend my nights crying and hiding from everyone. It has been 5 months since my last status update and an update on my life. In these 5 months, if anything I am more scared than ever, about my worst fears and the possibility of their coming true if someone wakes me up at night. I have died every night and woke up in the morning to live for the past 5 months.

It has been 5 months, since I have achieved a new level of desperateness in asking the doctors for any hope, any faith, any new religion to practice.
It has been 5 months, since I have been sitting on that rusty brown iron chair by the corner outside the I.C.U. waiting for you to wake up.

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My Genie…..

It was just when I realised, that I was too old to play in the park

It was just when I realised, that I was too old to cuddle with my parents

It was just then I realised, that the world around me has changed……

With no more afternoon naps,

With no more after school cricket matches,

With no more summer time with grandparents,

It was just then I realised, that the world around me has changed….

People say,

Life will be merry once you grow up,

You can have beer and throw up,

No one’s gonna scold you,

No one’s gonna tell you, shut up the TV and do your homework.

You will have a new life , new world and new work

I wish I could have realised, that the world around me will change….

Accepted the change and moved on…

College happened and so did new friends,

Thought some good came through the new trends,

But then like all good things, it had to end,

But life still moved on…

and It was just then I realised that the world around me has changed… again

If I could just go back to Aladdin and ask him for his magic lamp,

In  my first wish I would ask…

O genie , O genie…

Return me back  my golden times,

Not just for the sake of rhyming lines,

But for the sake of my good old times,

And Change the world around me just one more time…

In the second wish I would ask….

Go genie Go…

I wish you have a childhood like my own,

When you have it, you’ll know the reason of this tone,

And the thousand years of  lifetime that you own,

Would pass within days sitting on a throne…..

Go genie go…. Change the world around you..

For the third wish..

I have nothing more to ask,

I have no other demands, no more regret..

For I have all one can desire,

The treasures to last a lifetime and a lifetime worth a treasure ,

And a common sense a bit low,

For it’s too late to realise that the genie has already packed his bags, and is on the go…

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